Kaffeine has everything: great location, brilliant coffee, a nifty little name where the ‘C’ of caffeine is replaced with a ‘k’. (By the way for the rest of this blog I will be exchanging the first letter of every word that starts with a C for a K, if for nothing else read on to spot the inevitable mistakes).

Being situated around the korner from the kountry’s flagship Sports Direct doesn’t exactly scream ‘koffee shop dream’, but there’s an instant wave of relief as you walk in and there are no trackie bottoms present. Instead you’re greeted with a friendly, relaxed, mostly jean-klad atmosphere that achieves the seemingly unattainable in kentral London, it’s kosy but spacious and you nearly always get a table. (Is the ‘K’ thing getting annoying yet? Not sure it even made sense for the kentral London bit….anyway).

Brace yourself for this revelation because the staff are….friendly. Independent koffee shops and kustomer service don’t always go hand in hand, there’s usually an air of disdain unless you’re dressed in a bow tie sporting lenseless glasses.

Not a problem in Kaffeine.

Best of all there’s never any waiting round because if you stay and drink in they bring it over to you, no pretending to be reading some vital email as you wait awkwardly at the end of the kounter here.

The coffee (sorry I mean Koffee, bloody hell this is getting stressful) is from Square Mile roasters, and is delicious. It’s got that welcomed bitterness, sort of like Jack Nicholson or an episode of Kurb Your Enthusiasm. Krucially (and this will excite the hipsters among you) you get your latte in a glass, WITH A SAUCER. Bob Dylan prefers koffee in a glass ‘because it tastes better’, so if it’s good enough for the voice of a generation then it’s bloody good enough for you alright?

☕️ How Pretentious was it? Not too bad, like a hipster with a medium level beard listening to Neutral Milk Hotel

☕️ Please god tell me there’s pastries! Yes. Banana bread, pecan pie and white chocolate cookies all spotted

☕️ How many of those annoying bulbs without lamp shades dangling from the ceiling? A forgivable 12

☕️ Where? Eastcastle W1 behind Oxford Street

? Overall 9.3/10 ?

? Soundtrack to the review: Imogen Heap – ‘Hide & seek’ // Bowie – ‘The Next Day’ (Album) // The slurping of the women enjoying her latte next to me

? Sony NEX-5R